I’ll be the first to admit I was never really a “ladies man.” I wasn’t exactly clumsy and awkward, but I had issues talking to really cute girls and even more issues getting trapped in the dreaded friend zone. This weekend, I figured out exactly why.

Beth and I went to Starbucks, as we’re apt to do on weekends (oftentimes more than once). There’s one girl who works there who I totally crush on, and I admit it openly. She’s totally cute, makes a really good mocha, and even has a nice pair of dirty librarian glasses. Yep, she’s the whole package if you’re me.

So what’s the problem?

Well, for months I’ve been noticing her.

Wait, let me step back here lest I incur the wrath of my female readers.

Before you get all over me for this, Beth and I do it all the time. She has her guys, I have my girls. It’s a mutual arrangement. Now, back to my story…

Yesterday, Beth and I decided to finally buy the Barrista Aroma Solo, a single serving coffee machine that we’ve wanted for awhile. We bought it because it was on sale. So, one of the counter folks went to get it for me, and she decided to ring me up. Alrighty, then, I think. Awesome!

So I stand at the register, and she says hi…

And I barely get out a “hi” in return. The other guy brings out my coffee maker, and she starts ringing it up. Then, I hand her my credit card. She looks at the name on it, looks at me and smiles and says, “I like that name. Vincent Ferrari. Do they call you Vinny or Vincent.”

Mr. Smooth replies, “asfhnj;lvds hajfdlshjlhnuijobn najfshjlkshf Vinny.”

I’m not exaggerating. I have no idea what syllables came out prior to the announcement of my name. Anyway, she continued:

“Okay Vinny… Let me just get you a pen to sign this…”

I’m dead silent, and smiling like a monkey who just discovered that shit flies if you throw it hard enough. She comes back and hands me the pen, and I sign my name. She goes to bag my coffee maker, and of course it’s awkward for her to hold the bag open and put the coffee maker in it, so Mr. Smooth returns and practically snatches the coffee maker out of her hand and puts the coffee maker in the bag she’s holding open.

You think this is bad enough? Well you’re sadly mistaken, my naive readers.

Beth looks at me, puzzled. We were supposed to get the red “to go cup” ornament for our Christmas tree, and of course Mr. Smooth forgot it. So now Beth grabs the ornament and gets some cash for me and heads for the register where the cute girl is ringing her up. I see them talking and the cute girl points at the shelf behind me and Beth looks over and smiles.

As she sits down, she says, “She was just telling me that her and her boyfriend have the other ornament; the cappuccino cup one.”

Now, if you don’t know Beth, she likes doing this to me, particularly with Reese Witherspoon (every time Ryan Phillippe is on screen, she reminds me of how he’s married to her and they have kids, etc).

Starbucks is fun, even for a fumbletongued bastard like me. And that girl is still really cute, boyfriend or not.