Katrina is the daughter of a friend of mine. Try to imagine the world reaction if Israel was shelling the Palestinians the same way. In fact, try to imagine any other country getting shelled like this on a regular basis. Do you think the world’s collective yawn would be as deafening? I don’t.
Today was the most traumatic day of my life. I don’t even know where to start in explaining what I went through and how I felt, because I just don’t know the words to express the whirlwind of emotions I felt. I guess the best way to give a picture of what I went through is to go through my day as it happened and try to give some sort of idea as to what I experienced.
So I woke up early today for Hebrew classes, exhausted as usual but excited that we were meant to be going to the market today to practice our vocabulary. But before I left my boyfriend started throwing up and was so sick and vulnerable that I felt I couldn’t leave him, and for me it was more important to stay and look after him. I spoke to my leader and she said it wasn’t a problem. At 10.30 we were due to leave on another trip to somewhere called Sderot, which was a place I had heard of recently but knew very little about. I made the choice to stay with my boyfriend and take an unexcused absence rather than go on the trip. However my leader kept calling me and demanded that I come with and I went.
It was going to be a long journey and so to keep us occupied and entertained we had ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’ playing on the TVs. We were laughing and smiling, shouting when the bus driver made it quieter, and generally doing as we do everyday. No one gave much thought to anything but the amazing look of wonderful chocolate on the screens above us. When we drew closer to our destination our teacher turned down the film (which we got VERY angry about) and said he needed to say a few things. He told us that the city we were visiting constantly has rockets, called ‘Quassam rockets’, directed at it. This is a fact most people knew and was indeed the reason we were visiting this city. He then went on to tell us that there had already been 10 rockets in the early hours of this morning and so it is unlikely that we should have any now. However, we must be aware and alert and that when a rocket is fired a siren sounds all over the city, at which point one has 15 seconds to seek shelter before the rocket lands. No one knows where the rockets will land so wherever you are you must take cover in case it is near where you are. He finished by telling us that we are not in danger and we should not worry. I was instantly taken aback as I had not expected this at all. I was still half asleep and worrying about whether my boyfriend was still throwing up all over the place and then I hear about all this. But I really didn’t give it as much thought as you’d expect. We all laughed a bit at the fact that we are apparently “not in danger” and yet we were told how serious it is for us to act and move quickly if we hear the siren. As awful as it sounds, you just don’t dwell on it at the time. You trust that you are safe and you can’t possibly imagine anything like that happening to yourself because it is simple not something that we are familiar with.
As we drove along I noticed that every bus stop is also a bomb shelter and that more shelters were located all over the town. There is no stretch of land where there is not a shelter; they were everywhere and this really mad me start to think about how normal it must be for these people to require bomb shelters in their daily lives.
We began our trip by visiting a police station where we saw hundreds of previously launched rockets that had been collected. Each was labelled with the date it was fired. Most are braded with different colours or symbols which indicate the organisation that was responsible for firing that particular rocket. It was strange and shocking, yet once again I was still able to think of other thing: to read a text I was sent, to think of how hungry I felt, to think about the blazing sun on my face and anything else that was going on around me. I was focused and listening, but I can’t pretend that what I was hearing was having a huge effect because it wasn’t really. Don’t get me wrong, it did make me think and bring to my attention things I never knew and was chocked to learn, but the feelings were minimal.
We then visited someone’s house that had been hit two months ago. The old lady is in a fragile state physically and was therefore incapable of running for cover in a bomb shelter, and so when she hears the siren, she has no choice but to stay put. For years she was fortunate enough to be safe where she was, but two months ago a rocket fell through her roof and destroyed her family’s house. Fortunately she is alive, although how that is appears to be a miracle. Her house is in shambles. The roof in on the floor; every room is turned upside down; all her possessions are destroyed, and yet she is still here. Her daughter was severely injured and hospitalised for days, but is also fortunately now well and safe. I saw the look of despair and loss in the old lady’s eyes and fell silent with sadness at what I was seeing. The family are currently living in a small apartment elsewhere but do not have the money to move nor repair their house. As I walked out the house, neighbours were asking us to witness the destruction to their homes too, but we were hurried onto the bus to leave. As we drove away I could see that her house was only one of many hit on her street alone. At this point the bus was quieter, everyone in thought about what we were seeing and how devastating it must be for them to live in such a way.
We then went to lunch in a shwarma place in the city. We were glad to be eating there as opposed to the normal packed lunches we receive on trips, and were told that the reason for this was to try to help the city out by buying their food. We were sitting together and eating away, laughing and chatting as usual. It was easy to go from a state of thought and sympathy for the people of the down, to the thoughts of my food and trying my best not to make a mess! I had finished up and was sitting watching a boy eat a white ice-cream, although I can’t now remember who the person was, when all of a sudden everyone was rushing and shouting and I was confused as to what was going on. Over all the chaos I heard my leader shout, “Everyone to the bomb shelter!!” The siren had sounded and we had 15 seconds to reach safety. I jumped up and grabbed my bag and ran for the door. As I did so my bag got caught on the chair and I actually took about 1 or 2 of those precious seconds to release my bag so that I would have it with me. Looking back it seems insane to have taken that time, or rather wasted that time to get my bag, but at that moment all I was thinking was that God forbid I get hurt or worse, then I want to be able to speak to the people I love. All that kept going through my head was if I would ever see my family and those I love again, would I tell them I love them, would I laugh and smile with them…..would I live? As I ran out of the building I just thought I was going to die; I was in open space and I just thought that was it. I ran with such panic across the road to the closest bomb shelter which was a small bus stop. I was one of the very last to reach the shelter and couldn’t quite manage to get in. after a few seconds of shouting and pushing I was under cover. My eyes began to tear slightly and I began to shake, but I was still confused and mixed up and overwhelmed by what was happening. Shortly after we were given the clear that we could leave the shelter. As I walked out I began to cry. We all hugged each other close, both those who we like and don’t like, whoever they were it didn’t matter, we were all together and we all had to be there for each other. I managed to get hold of my dad, but when he picked up the phone saying “hey sweetie how are you?”, I throat closed up and I began to sob so hard that no words could come out. I was finding it hard to breathe normally and could simply sob. I was shaking so hard that my whole body jerked. A friend of mine came up to me and put his arms around me, at which point I relaxed enough to explain to my dad what had happened. We then all sat together, comforting those around us, joining as a group and supporting one another. We were told that we would not be ending our trip and that we would continue the day. I understood that if our leaders had decided to take us home straight away it would not be a very good lesson or message, yet at that point all I wanted to do was go back to Jerusalem and feel safe again.
As we made our way to the coach and continued on our journey, I couldn’t not relax. I would sit still, then suddenly burst out in tears at any quick movement, I saw the bomb shelters in the road as we drove by and I pictured the moment I ran towards it for my life, and welled up once again. I couldn’t get the awful thoughts out of my head. What if I had died? What if I never saw my loved ones again or told them what they mean to me?? When we got off the bus again I heard the teacher telling another girl how lucky we were that the rocket was not near us. He said that we did not reach the shelter in nearly enough time and that had the rocket been where we were, half our class would have died. Half our class would have died. That would have been me too. I was one of the last three to reach the shelter, I could barely even get in once I got there, and so if the rocket had been near us, I would not be able to write about my experience now.
I couldn’t get these thoughts out my head. I could not relax or take anything else in. I just wanted to leave. A car alarm sounded behind a group of us girls and we all jumped, some of us bursting out crying in fear that it was another siren. My eyes would not dry out, every second I thought I could feel alright again, I would feel the fear and anxiety I felt as I ran for cover and I would begin to cry again.
We were visiting a building in the process of development which was being built with protection from rockets. Everyone went onto the roof to see the view and be taught about something, although I do not know what that something was because I couldn’t bare to go onto the roof in open space. I stayed downstairs with a group of other people discussing our feeling and how shocked we were that as educated Jews who visit Israel on a regular basis, we knew noting of this place or what people experience on a daily basis.
From there we went to the Sderot media centre to have a look at photos from previous attacks and hear about what exactly they do. When we walked in we began to write down our email addresses in order to receive regular updates on the situation in Sderot. As the second person began writing down their details, a lady ran in to the building to tell us it was a ‘Red Alert’. The siren ha just sounded again, another rocket had been launched. Our teacher shouted for us to run out to the bomb shelters but as we went to leave, we were told we did not have time to reach the shelters. One girl had already run outside towards the nearest shelter and was out in the open when she realised no one was with her and turned back towards the building. She was back with us in a matter of seconds. We were told to stay inside, to drop to the floor and stay as low as possible and if possible next to walls. I dropped to the floor and crunched into a ball and began to shake and sob harder than I ever knew I could. This time I really thought it was it. We were lucky the last time, even our teacher said that, we were still there because we were fortunate, but perhaps this time it would not be the case. I couldn’t catch my breath and I was shaken up with panic. The same thoughts went through my head, my mum, my dada, my siblings, my boyfriend, my friends; everyone I love and care about….. What if this is it? Moments later we were told to jump up and run to the shelters, at which point another rocket was launched and once again we would not reach the shelters in time. One person was shouting for us to leave, another was shouting for us to stay, what were we meant to do? And then a third siren, yet another rocket launched. My cries became deeper and harder and at this point I thought it would never end. This was all happening in a number of seconds, each rocket about 20 seconds apart, but as I was curled up on the floor rocking myself in my own arms it felt like forever. My usual concept of time was out the window. It was all such a rush and panic that it seemed too quick to comprehend, and yet it felt like I was sitting awaiting my destiny for hours.
As we sat crunched together we heard 2 of the 3 rockets land and explode somewhere. I don’t know how near or far away they were, but we could hear them land. After the third rocket, there was no sound of a further siren and so we knew we had time to make it to the shelter and so we ran across to safety. This time I was the first one out of the building and into the shelter. I cried and cried and shook with fear, yet felt relief that I was under the safety of the shelter. At that moment my step mum called me and I cried harder at the sound of a voice o someone I love. I was told to get off the phone however and so I stood alongside the people around me. We were so united and joined as one, it was amazing how much because can care for one another in such times. Some people ensured that their friends were out the building before they themselves ran for cover. Some didn’t appear shaken but rather acted as the supporters for those who were braking down. I myself ran for my life with no other thought other than my own safety in the hope that I would not be taken from the ones I love. Is that selfish? I don’t know, but it’s what I did and it’s how I reacted. I was so happy to be with the people around me and it made the experience more manageable, if it is possible to say that, by having companions with me, however when my thoughts were with the people I care about and I did all I could to protect myself for them.
A while after we were told that we would no be ending our trip and leaving straight away. It was not necessary to visit more of the town in order to understand what was happening there; we had seen it for ourselves. We made our way to the coach and left soon after. The tears did not stop the whole journey back. Towards the end they stopped rolling down my cheeks but my eyes did not dry up. When we arrived at our youth hostel in Jerusalem I was slightly more composed and could the tears had stopped. I went straight to see my boyfriend and as I saw his face I burst out crying once again and felt so unbelievably blessed at the fact that I could see him and was not taken from him. I sobbed into his arms and though I felt relieved to be safe, I could not get rid of the fear that had taken over me just hours before. Since I’ve been back in safety for the past four hours, I have been up and down. Every time I speak to a family member I can’t control myself and my emotions are thrown all over the place, but the bottom line is: I am so happy that I am speaking to them right now.
Today has been a whirlwind of emotions and it is something I will never ever forget. I have never been so scared in my entire life and have never actually considered the possibility of my life coming close to an end. The thought is not something that can be explained or described and I do not believe that anyone can understand what it feels like until you are in that position yourself. We all handled it in very different ways today and you could see a large variation of responses to the traumatic situation, and you can’t know how it is you would react until you experience it. I hope that you will never have to know what you would do, because it is simply the most horrible thing in the world to have to go through such a situation.
As I’ve been writing this I’ve managed to keep going the whole time just letting it out as it comes, but right now I stopped for a few moments, tearing up again, just thinking how lucky I am to be sitting here and how horrible today was.
I am lucky, but I can’t say the same for everyone who was in Sderot today. What about the innocent civilians that live there? What about the children that have to run out their classrooms numerous times a day? When I cried “I want to go home!”, what did they cry? They are home. That is their lives and they have no choice but to live it for as long as they can. Rockets have been launched over the border from Gaza for 7 years now, into Sderot and other nearby areas. In that times over 8000 rockets have been launched. My experience today, though complete out of the ordinary in my perspective, is part of the everyday lives if the people living there. When we were in the bomb shelter after the first rocket, an Israeli lady was making a fuss for us to let her out quickly because she was going to miss her buss. Someone responded that it is better for her to miss her bus than miss her life. For us it is crazy to even think of the importance of catching the next bus at such a time, but for people who live there and have had hundreds of rockets a month for seven years, they have no choice but to continue with their lives as normally as is possible. Yet they also have to live in a way that takes into account their situation. Families sleep in one room so that they are all together when sirens sound at night; people bare in mind the shoes and clothes they are wearing so that they are able to run when necessary; people take very quick showers and usually have someone standing near them who can tell them if the siren sounds; and so many other things become a routine in these people’s lives so that they can find a way to live in a town which does not know safety.
How is it that I never knew this was going on? How is it that it hasn’t been stopped in so many years? If this was happening in London…. well it just wouldn’t be, it would never continue like this, it would be stopped and we would all know about it. But we do not know about everything. As a person who has come to Israel over 20 times in my life, and who has learnt about Israel and who is interested in politics and current affairs, I never knew about this. I never knew until today, even after having been living in Israel for the past 7 months, I still never knew.
I don’t even know what else to say. I am still overwhelmed by what has gone on today, I can’t get rid of the feelings and emotions that I have felt, or the shock that something so horrific can be taking place for so long and yet barely anyone knows and barely anything is done. If I can ask one thing of you, please read my story and share it with others and perhaps if enough people become aware of the situation, changes can begin to take place. There is so much more that I don’t know about and my story really only gives you part of the picture.
(I apologise if some of this is jumbled or doesn’t make sense but at this stage I just had to get out what I felt and I can’t bare to read it over again so it is in front of you exactly as it came out when I wrote it.)
Katrina
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