Remember; for all intents and purposes, Steve Doocy spent most of his career as a weatherman.

It’s absolutely not fair to ask the person tasked with United States energy policy if she’s read the most important bill in that area ever written? I’m sorry… Maybe Steve Doocy should’ve asked her a more Obama-approved question like “who does your hair?” or “can I get you a pillow?”

No one read that damn bill, which is why it wasn’t posted publicly and probably won’t be even before the President goes to sign it.

They don’t want you to know what’s in it, people.

via STACLU

From the Borowitz Report:

One day after North Korea launched a successful test of a nuclear weapon, President Obama said that the United States was prepared to respond to the threat with “the strongest possible adjectives.”

In remarks to reporters at the White House, Mr. Obama said that North Korea should fear the “full force and might of the United States’ arsenal of adjectives” and called the missile test “reckless, reprehensible, objectionable, senseless, egregious and condemnable.”

Standing at the President’s side, Vice President Joseph Biden weighed in with some tough adjectives of his own, branding North Korean President Kim Jong-Il “totally wack and illin’.”

Later in the day, Defense Secretary Robert Gates called the North Korean nuclear test “supercilious and jejune,” leading some in diplomatic circles to worry that the U.S. might be running out of appropriate adjectives with which to craft its response.

And from Yahoo! News:

His patience tested, President Barack Obama on Saturday promised a new and stronger response to defiant North Korea, saying that while he prefers diplomacy he is now taking a “very hard look” at tougher measures. A Pentagon official said no military moves were planned.

Obama’s blunt language seemed to point toward nonmilitary penalties such as financial sanctions against North Korea, either within the United Nations or by Washington alone. U.S. allies in Asia may consider new moves to improve their own military defenses.

“We are not intending to continue a policy of rewarding provocation,” he said, alluding to recent North Korea nuclear and missile tests.

North Korea presents a challenge for Obama, already burdened with wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and concern about Iran’s nuclear ambitions. The North poses a military threat to South Korea, with large artillery forces capable of striking Seoul with little or no warning, and previous diplomatic approaches to the North have failed to rid it of nuclear weapons or halt its building of missiles.

“We are going to take a very hard look at how we move forward on these issues, and I don’t think that there should be an assumption that we will simply continue down a path in which North Korea is constantly destabilizing the region and we just react in the same ways by, after they’ve done these things for a while, then we reward them,” Obama said.

Great. What’s next? Congress run by the Onion?

By rights I shouldn’t find him funny. Really, everyone who knows my sense of humor knows I like the most vulgar nasty cringe-inducing humor. The more offensive, the funnier. The more someone makes me cringe, the more they make me laugh.

With that in mind, it often comes as a huge surprise that I laugh my ass off at the work of Kevin Nalty, aka Nalts, on Youtube.

Here’s a sampling; one of his most notable videos, Farting in Public.

For all intents and purposes, I shouldn’t really find that funny because it doesn’t necessarily fit in with my tastes (although fart humor is pretty close) but I can’t stop watching. I could go into a long explanation and post about how humor works, and so on, but I think the takeaway is this: when something is funny or entertaining, it just is. It doesn’t have to fit into your sense of humor or your perspective on jokes, but guys like Nalts can churn out video after video that always, at minimum, makes me smile despite being of a different humor mindset.

It just goes to show that the great ones really do transcend boundaries.

Something tells me Mr. Brown wishes he could take this one back.

You know it’s bad when The Guardian, friend and ally of every left-wing nut-job in the known universe, can’t even get down with what you’re saying. The following is a hysterically funny annotated version of an answer President Obama gave to BBC Political Editor Nick Robinson when asked who was to blame most for the current economic crisis.

“I, I, would say that, er … pause [I HAVEN'T A CLUE] … if you look at … pause [WHO IS THIS NICK ROBINSON JERK?] … the, the sources of this crisis … pause [JUST KEEP GOING, BUDDY] … the United States certainly has some accounting to do with respect to . . . pause [I'M IN WAY TOO DEEP HERE] … a regulatory system that was inadequate to the massive changes that have taken place in the global financial system … pause, close eyes [THIS IS GOING TO GO DOWN LIKE A CROCK OF SHIT BACK HOME. HELP]. I think what is also true is that … pause [I WANT NICK ROBINSON TO DISAPPEAR] … here in Great Britain … pause [SHIT, GORDY'S THE HOST, DON'T LAND HIM IN IT] … here in continental Europe … pause [DAMN IT, BLAME EVERYONE.] … around the world. We were seeing the same mismatch between the regulatory regimes that were in place and er … pause [I'VE LOST MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT AGAIN] … the highly integrated, er, global capital markets that have emerged … pause [I'M REALLY WINGING IT NOW]. So at this point, I’m less interested in … pause [YOU] … identifying blame than fixing the problem. I think we’ve taken some very aggressive steps in the United States to do so, not just responding to the immediate crisis, ensuring banks are adequately capitalised, er, dealing with the enormous, er … pause [WHY DIDN'T I QUIT WHILE I WAS AHEAD?] … drop-off in demand and contraction that has taken place. More importantly, for the long term, making sure that we’ve got a set of, er, er, regulations that are up to the task, er, and that includes, er, a number that will be discussed at this summit. I think there’s a lot of convergence between all the parties involved about the need, for example, to focus not on the legal form that a particular financial product takes or the institution it emerges from, but rather what’s the risk involved, what’s the function of this product and how do we regulate that adequately, much more effective coordination, er, between countries so we can, er, anticipate the risks that are involved there. Dealing with the, er, problem of derivatives markets, making sure we have set up systems, er, that can reduce some of the risks there. So, I actually think … pause [FANTASTIC. I'VE LOST EVERYONE, INCLUDING MYSELF] … there’s enormous consensus that has emerged in terms of what we need to do now and, er … pause [I'M OUTTA HERE. TIME FOR THE USUAL CLOSING BOLLOCKS] … I’m a great believer in looking forwards than looking backwards.

We’re learning two things about this man, and they’re things that people like myself were saying from day one of him deciding he was going to run.

1. He can’t think on his feet. He never has an answer, never answers a question, and always swings away from facts and figures or solutions and situations into flowery rhetoric and so on. Note the complete lack of an answer to the question above, but also note that he makes sure to point out that he wants to look forward not back, doesn’t answer the question in any real way, and doesn’t really have a clue of what he speaks. Do I think he’s dumb? Nope. I think his intelligence is highly overrated and people derived his intelligence from…

2. He can’t speak for shit unless his words are pre-written for him. …his ability to speak when someone writes his words for him and he sits there and reads them. For eight years we were told by the media that our President was, essentially, a disfluent moron who couldn’t speak a sentence without looking like a complete idiot. In the Bush years, ability to speak was directly correlated to intelligence. I submit to you that, by the same standard, the UH and ER President is equally inept and looks equally stupid. When his teleprompter is on, he can be utterly captivating, but when it’s off he’s amongst some of the worst speakers on earth stumbling over his words in sentence fragments and incomplete thoughts.

Don’t Eff With 50.

Classic stuff.

Seeing as everyone is remixing Christian Bale’s tirade, I figured I’d try it myself…

When we went to Vegas over the summer, we had to contend with a crappy US Air plane whose air conditioning was, at best, mediocre. Beth sums it up rather nicely.

This chick cracked me up.

Just for the record, I hate the jewelry commercials, too…

via Meg @ Consumerist

UPDATE: The stupid video embed isn’t working, so you can watch it here also.

(It’s animated… Wait for it…)

Wifey forwarded this to me and it made me laugh pretty hard, so I decided to share…

We always hear ‘the rules’
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered ‘1′ ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing,’ We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

Amen

Just discovered him a few weeks back and already he’s a hero to Beth and I.

From the “Imagine if Bush Said It” file, folder #234781124390:

Bush is still getting crap for the “food on your family” remark 9 years after he made it, but this dope can say he sees lots of dead people in the audience and no one even bats an eye. That means one of two things:

1. Saying dumb shit is part and parcel of running a campaign.

2. That for all the talk about how well he speaks, once you step out of the gushing bullshit, he’s just another politician who makes his mistakes and goofs up.

How about that. The Messiah is human.

At least he didn’t call her “toots.”

At least O’Reilly’s F-Bomb happened off-air…